Just Be That Way

This morning I weighed 208 lbs.

That should make me angry. I know I’ve weighed more but it did disappoint me when I saw it because I felt like I was having a good week and I was feeling proud of myself for the work I’ve been doing.

I’m not angry because I feel like I have confidence in myself for the first time in a long time. The problem is, when I gain confidence, I start to be lenient on myself and I come up with excuses to engage in my addictions again.

I watched another episode with Wes Watson last night which inspired me again. I think this guy is a nut but he’s also so inspiring to me right now. He’s a bad dude but I’m so intrigued with his message and his success. I don’t know if I want to be as driven as him but at the same time I do. I would love to be trained by him but he charges between 200-20,000 for his support. He makes so much money off his self development business. I wonder if I could ever make money by helping people?

That would be amazing. Doing the thing I love while also getting paid for it at the same time.

I am doing what I love in teaching middle school students. I know I can make more of an impact but how can I do it? I’m going to keep asking that question and wait for an answer. I know I’ll get one if I’m patient.

“Create the individual you admire and then give that person to the world.”

-Wes Watson

This quote is referencing the people Wes would want to listen to. If I want to consider helping the world I need to consider who I want to help and on top of that I need to think about the type of person I would want to listen to and then become that person.

I feel like I want to be a mix of Wes Watson, Cole Robinson, Jay Shetty, Lewis Howes and Marie Forleo. I want the perfect mix of a no excuses hard ass mixed with empathy and compassion. I also need to make sure I look like the person I want to listen to. The people I admire are all super fit, confident, cool and stylish.

I can’t believe how long it took me to figure out that I could change my identity to become anyone I want to be. I realized that when I travelled alone after graduating from UPEI. I guess it’s easy to be who you want to be when no one knows you but harder to change your identity when you live in the same town you grew up in. Not impossible because I’ve definitely done it but it was after I went away for 2 years and realized I could be pretty and stylish even though I was fat.

Because of my weight and negative body image growing up, I thought it would be better to hide myself and I used to do that with men’s clothes.

I didn’t really have any female role models for guidance so I decided I would emulate my brother because he was popular and cool. My look when I was a teenager was basically “butch lesbian” because thats all I thought I could be.

I remember having moments when I wondered if I was a lesbian because of the way I looked but it didn’t add up because I loved boys so much. I didn’t have boyfriends though, even though they were knocking on my door.

I felt so insecure about my body I didn’t want anyone touching me. When things started getting physical with the boys I dated, I ended the relationship. I feel bad for some of the relationships I ended for no reason. I’m sure it didn’t make those boys feel good.

How can I build confidence for teenage girls like me? I don’t want them to go get physical with boys but I want to help them figure out who their authentic selves are.

I wanted to be a girly girl in school but I didn’t think I was capable because I considered myself ugly and fat. I thought if I tried to look pretty, people would think I was a fraud. The only time I allowed myself to feel pretty was when I lost weight. Isn’t that interesting? I feel like I should be more body positive but really, it’s a fact; I’ve been my happiest and most confident when my body was smaller and I felt good about myself physically.

I’m ready to get my body on track. I want to be fit, I want to look good in my clothes and I want my confidence to soar so I can be more successful in life. I’m curious to know how successful I can be. I can’t wait to share my success with the world.

I’m still taking my time though and I’m only going to make small habit changes so that I can make this stick. Right now, I’m just trying to get my eating right and then go from there. I’m thinking about exercising more and more but I don’t want to yet.

The morning is definitely the best time for me to do it but I would prefer to read and write in the morning. However, I’m listening to more and more successful people say that they wake up very early to get all their things done because it fills them up for the day. Wes Watson actually wakes up at 2:45 to build himself up.

This morning was a Wes Watson morning for me but I still didn’t exercise. I had a terrible sleep last night which is why I was up at 2AM today but I wonder if I couldn’t sleep because I’m excited about this journey and I’m excited to do it well.

I wonder if I can be under 200 pounds before Xmas? Can I drop 10 pounds in 2 weeks? At this weight I feel like I should. I wonder how hard I would have to work to see that progress. Wes Watson works out twice a day.

I might start working out in the morning and the evening to see what happens and because I kinda want to be a badass like Wes Watson.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡