Abstain

I just spent my Saturday eating and smoking. Because I smoked, I ate too much and today I feel bad about it which makes me want to go to the LC.

I thought I was ready for this identity change but I’m falling back into the same pattern. I have a choice right now. I can either abstain from the thing that is making me stay in this body I’m not proud of or I can be first in line when the LC opens and continue to follow the bad habit train for the rest of the day since I’m already here anyway.

I know what the right thing to do is but I’m probably not going to because I’m in a slump and thats where I seem to be living for the day. I considered making a cheesecake and everything. I might still do it. I wanted one for a while and I’m interested in making it but I don’t want to make it because that means I’ll be eating it for the whole week.

What I need to do is figure out why I went backward this weekend so I can get back on track. I thought I promised myself I wasn’t going to do that but I got really angry on Friday and I decided the only way to get over it was to smoke weed.

Graham Weaver posted something on instagram stating that we seek dopamine when we’re trying to avoid something. I think the thing I’m avoiding is working out. I also think that was part of my anger on Saturday morning. I didn’t want to get up to work out so I stayed in bed. The other part of the problem was that I didn’t want to work out because I was up late drinking the night before. I used those bad feelings as an excuse to make bad choices. Thats my pattern, I feel angry about something and I struggle to get out of that feeling so I seek out the quickest fix I think I can find which is weed and then food.

If I’m being honest, I’m totally going to the LC at 12 but I know I’m going to do better starting tomorrow. I’m going to get up and I’m going to exercise and I’m not eating any sugar throughout the week.

They’re my biggest blocks right now. Sugar and exercise. I want to give one up and start doing another one.

A friend of mine wants me to sign up for a race with her. I should do it because it would be motivation for me to get going. She texted me last night about it but I didn’t see it until now. Maybe that’s what I need. A challenge to get me started on this journey of being a better me.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡