Not Yet

It’s been exactly a month since I’ve written and I just finished taking a puff of a joint. I lasted a week without smoking and I promised myself I was just going to smoke one and I bought a pack of three.

A thought just popped into my head. I keep telling myself that I’m addicted to weed. I wonder what would happen if I started telling myself a different story? What if I told myself the story that I was a casual pot smoker? Is this whole topic of addiction and becoming sober keeping me in the depths of despair? Am I believing something I don’t need to believe anymore? Did I just have an ah-ha moment? I really hope I did. It just popped in there like a renegade tickle. I almost missed it. I had to force myself to be aware of it.

Why does it take so long to realize something you keep hearing from other people? I listened to a brief podcast recently with Tony Robbins. I can’t remember the host’s name but he had a mullet. I just typed “Podcast host with a mullet” into Google and I found him right away, Theo Van. He has a really cool name and a really cool haircut.

Anyway, Van was asking Tony about identity shifting and Tony asked him if he would smoke a cigarette if someone handed it to him. His response was, “absolutely not.”

When Tony asked why he said, “because I just don’t see myself as a smoker anymore.”

Van was a smoker for a long time and he quit successfully because he changed his identity. How do you do this?!

I got what he was saying but I still felt frustrated because I don’t know how to implement it. I think I’m getting closer though.

Is it all about mind control and being a gate keeper to your thoughts? Is it having a really good why? I know my health is the best why but how do I convince myself without having a health scare first?

I know I had a moment above where I got it but at the same time I have to do the work to implement it and I’m not sure how to do that right especially when I’m smoking. It seems to become more clear when my head is clear but at the same time I also get creative insights when I smoke.

Can I take on the identity of a casual pot smoker just like I do as a drinker? Hmmm. What does that mean for today and what would Wes Watson say? I know what Watson would say but for today that means smoking 3 joints and not smoking again? Maybe I smoke 2 and throw one out? Maybe I smoke lightly and make them last? Maybe I throw them all out?

What a shit show….

The quote on my homepage is “Love yourself like your life depends on it.” If I loved myself like my life depended on it then I would be eating healthy and exercising.

I’m here. I’m not where I want to be but the journey is still on and I refuse to give up on this dream of having a healthy body I’m proud to show off. I know I’m not ready to teach anyone anything because I haven’t accomplished what I set out to accomplish.

I promise I don’t have it twisted, I’m still fat and I have no business having a website promising to help others when I can’t even help myself.

I don’t care though, I know this is part of my process so I’m going to keep going with it. I know the only way I’m going to change is to change my mindset and stay consistent with small habit changes that are going to lead me to my goal.

Maybe I need to take this a bit more serious so I can potentially turn this into a business. Maybe it’s time I seriously considered taking before and after pictures and started to document this health journey for others to view.

Maybe I need to get a better why. Maybe that why could be this website and the people who might benefit from it?

I’ve always wanted a job that required me to be fit. Maybe this is it?

-Dawn Rochelle ♡