Yep
I’m embarrassed because it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I only write when I’m sober because it’s the only thing that helps me get through. I miss weed but I scared myself with smoking weed this summer because I was smoking so much. I think I was up to smoking 6 joints a day. That doesn’t sound like a lot but it would if you saw the size of the joints I was smoking. One joint used to be enough for an entire day.
I’m using weed to cope with racing thoughts, negative feelings and the stress of indecision. “How am I going to cope when I lose my parents?” “I’m fat and ugly and everyone knows it.” “What size garage should I build and how do I want to lay it out?” “When is my partner going to embarrass me again with his argumentative nature?” Those are the thoughts that are making me feel very unsettled within myself. I know what I have to do and I am very aware of what I’m doing to myself but I can’t seem to control it. I know I can, I know it’s up to me to control the direction of my thoughts but I’m still choosing to focus on the thoughts that are stressing me out.
It’s been so long since I’ve looked at the very site I created to help me feel better so I could possible help others. It was helpful to come back here and I forgot how helpful my past research can be. I opened up a random blog and noticed that I wrote about the need to stop doing things instead of adding new things in. I don’t agree with that anymore and Mel Robbins helped be realize that. I now belive that I have to add small things in to support habit changes. If I focus on stopping behaviours then it doesn’t seem to work for me. I think it adds to much pressure and the fear of failure is always looming. The fear adds to my anxiety and the anxiety forces me to take the easy way out which means self soothing with food and weed.
It’s nice to get to know yourself again when you stop smoking weed but it’s scary too. Facing yourself is scary. Facing all the fears, worries and anxieties. That’s my experience anyway. It’s interesting because I started smoking weed to ease my anxiety but this summer I noticed that with excessive use, my anxiety became stronger and I gained a new fear, “What am I doing to my lungs?” That fear should have been with me from the beginning but the need to feel better in my mind trumped the need to take care of my body. Because of that, I now have a smokers cough and my chest is full of conjestion. When I think about what my lungs must look like I get very worried. When I look at the amount of preroll butts in the ashtray, I become very worried. I actually started wetting my butts and throwing them in the garbage so I wouldn’t see the accumulation in the ashtray anymore. The things addicts do to avoid the truth of how addicted they truly are.
I’m sure I’ve said this in many other blog posts but one of the worst parts of this marijuana addiction is the isolation. It feels good when you’re high but then you start realizing you’re friends aren’t reaching out to you anymore. They’ve become used to you not being around. Has everyone forgotten about me. If so, it’s my own doing. I never feel like doing anything when I’m smoking and this summer I was smoking from 5AM to 3AM. I was waking up in the morning smoking and I was waking up in the middle of the night to go on the step to smoke. It got to the point where I wasn’t sure I was smoking because I really wanted to or if I was just going outside from habit. I was convincing myself that I was smoking to help me sleep. It’s interesting because after only 5 days of not smoking I’ve been dreaming and sleeping more soundly.
The evidence is clear. Smoking weed isn’t good for me in any way shape or form. It makes my anxiety worse and it makes it harder for me to have successful sleeps.
How much longer am I going to continue playing this game?
