Fat Girl

"I hate the way I feel in my own skin. I'm not happy with myself and my irritability with others has nothing to do with them and everything to do with how I feel about myself. I struggle to go to work each day because I'm scared that people have noticed how much weight I’ve gained.

If I can feel it, I’m sure they can see it.

Pictures and mirrors...not today, not any day.

It's nothing for me to gain 15 pounds on the weekend from bingeing on salt and sugar. I might be a binge eater but I'm not sure. What I know for sure is that the way I’m eating is not good for me. I’m spiking my insulin all the time in a very dangerous way.

Diabetes runs in my family and that disease is no joke. I don’t want it.

I’m delusional to be honest. That’s why I avoid mirrors and pictures.

I have a beautiful full length mirror in my makeup room but I have it tilted because it makes me look thinner than I am. When I brush my teeth, I walk around the house. When I wash my hands, I only look at the water. When I wash my face, I only focus on the suds. When I put on make up, I use a hand held mirror so I can only see the small part of my face that I’m working on instead of the “whole picture.”

I went to the salon to get my roots done recently. That’s an experience I loathe because I have to face the worst mirror in the world. The giant, full length mirror that captures the full scope of my size while I’m in the sitting position which makes it a million times worse.

Every time I sit in the chair I feel like yelling, “Hurry up and get that damn cape on me!”

I can’t relax until my stylist covers me up. The salon is supposed to be a place women look forward to going.

Not me. I dread the salon and it’s because of the full length mirror that forces me to see the reality of what my bad food choices have created.

It doesn’t matter that the cape covers my body up either because then I have to look at my fat face that pops because my stylist buttons the neck part so tight. Then I have to sit there for 2 hours thinking about how fat I am and how ashamed I am in myself which usually leads to weed and snacks afterward. Pure insanity.

Pictures? Don’t even get me started. Why would I purposely capture my current image for the history books?

It’s kind of sad to be honest. My partner and I were looking at old photos recently and it made me realize how few pictures I had of myself.

It was nice to see the old photos because they brought back so many nice memories but it made me realize that I’m the main character in my life but you wouldn’t know it.

My point is, I’m avoiding reality by avoiding mirrors and photos. I’m the moose hiding behind the birch tree. Everyone sees me whether I want them to or not.

It’s time to face the truth, I’m fat and I’ll never be happy unless I do something about it for good.

I want to believe in the whole body positivity thing but it doesn’t work for me. I just can’t feel good about myself in the body I currently have.

That’s the rub right?

Most of the self development gurus I’m into right now are telling me to love myself as I am first. I just don’t know how I can do that unless I start to make the necessary changes to get this body looking right.

I know what it feels like to be proud of your body. I wore a bikini once for a few minutes and it felt amazing.

Truth be told, I had no business wearing a bikini but in my head I looked amazing and that’s all I care about.

A new thing I’m realizing is that it’s not that I love what I look like right now but I can certainly do things that show love to my body.

If loved my body I would fuel it properly and I would make sure to exercise it. I need to start treating my body like a car or a pet I love. I treat my house plants better than I treat my body.

I just need to get that connection to mean something to me. What do I have to do? Remind myself a million times a day that my purpose is to show love to my body, not love my body? I guess I can try it.

Try it. I say that now but will I actually do it?

Why can’t I seem to perform such a basic task? All I can do it try it. I need some sticky notes for my bathroom mirror. I’m supposed to be doing Mel Robbin’s “high five” method too but I keep forgetting.

I think I’m too preoccupied with not liking myself to do anything else. That’s the self awareness piece I need to work on every minute of the day.

I’m 5’2 and I weigh over 200 lbs.

I don’t know my weight for sure because that’s another thing I’m avoiding. If I don’t know the real number I don’t have to acknowledge how bad my situation is. My first highest weight was 186 pounds and the last highest weight I documented was 217 lbs.

Obviously, I’m closer to the latter right now and the shame of it is suffocating me.

I hide from myself all the time. My favorite methods of hiding from my current reality are listed below:

1. Buying jewelry and clothes

2. Spending an exorbitant amount of money on SPANX products that I never wear because they're too uncomfortable and they make me look like a stuffed sausage. (only because I buy too small to avoid my real size)

3. Wasting money on buying bigger clothes but saving the small clothes because…one day….

5. Completely isolating myself from my family and friends because seeing people means getting dressed and getting dressed reminds me that everything is too tight and that means that everyone will know that I’m fat…as if they didn’t already know.

6. Smoking weed

I was hesitant to write the last one because that’s the one I’m the most ashamed of. It makes me feel extra dirty to admit that I smoke weed to avoid the negative feelings I have about my body. It is what it is though. It’s a big part of my “yo-yoing” problem…duh.

It’s very concerning that my “highest weight” keeps getting higher and higher.

I remember the first time I saw my “highest weight.” I was in college and I joined weight watchers for the first time (I’ve been a member many time but only had success once). It was the first time I ever weighed myself because my weight was something I avoided my whole life. Like I said before, if I didn’t know, it wasn’t a problem.

Not only did I have to weigh myself when I joined WW but I also had to do it in front of another person. I remember that moment so vividly because of the strong negative feelings I attached to seeing the number. I was so scared to see it and I was filled with hope that it wasn’t going to be “that bad.” I can sill see my bare feet stepping on the scale and looking down as the numbers danced all over the place before it settled on the final one….186 pounds. I can still remember the reaction of the woman who weighed me. She got really awkward as she tried to think of something motivational to say to me. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I lost 20 pounds in 6 months.

I was obsessed with losing the weight. I ran on the trail by the university and I ate in a very strict way. I was militant about my points and I actually practiced intermittent fasting without realizing it. I would save my points for the evening because that’s when we partied. I was also only eating veggies so I could put my points toward wine. I had 24 points to use each day and that’s what a bottle of Hochtaler wine added up to.

It was a very unhealthy method but it worked. My body completely changed and so did my identity. I started to see myself as a skinny girl which also meant I started to see myself as pretty and boys started to notice. I didn’t get a boyfriend when I changed because I was still super awkward in my own skin and didn’t want to be touched but it was a shift and I was on the right track.

I was still overweight at 163 pounds but in my head I was a supermodel. I remember loving the feeling of having a flatter stomach and the possibility that I could wear feminine clothes. I had never felt authentic in my “tom boy” persona and I was so excited when I realized that I might be able to tap into that feminine side I so desperately wanted.

I didn’t think fat girls could be pretty but at that time I realized that I could change. It was amazing.

I fucked it all up though. I got cocky and arrogant and believed that I was skinny for good. I didn’t think that I had to keep doing what I was doing to get there in the first place. It didn’t take long for the fat to come back.

My personal cycle of significantly losing and gaining weight happened 5 times in my life but I haven’t experienced a significant loss for a very long time.

According to my journals, the pattern of deciding I’m going to lose weight happens every month. I start off strong and then by the end of the month I'm right back to where I started. I don't want this pattern to keep repeating itself. I also notice that I cave with weed a week before my period. I usually have a temper tantrum and convince myself that I won’t feel better unless I smoke. And then the vicious cycle begins.

I know for sure that I have to do something to fix my health because:

1. My fingers are so swollen I feel like my nails are going to pop off.

2. I thing negatively about myself 24 hours a day unless I'm smoking weed and that’s not helping anymore either. 

3. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything (including going to work).

4. I feel guilty all the time about declining invitations to do things. I love my parents and my friends and I miss them but I'm too ashamed to be around them because of the way I feel about myself. 

5. I feel fear and anxiety all the time. What if I never change?

6. Daily movement like getting off the couch and tying my shoes is very difficult. 

7. I find it hard to breathe after doing minor activities. 

8. My heart races at random times and it scares me.

9. I keep getting insane zits under my skin because I’m full of toxins.

10. I don’t trust myself. I never keep the promises I make to myself.

I'm sure there are more reasons as to why I need to change but those are the main ones. The big questions is, when am I going to start and how am I supposed to do it? 

I was supposed to start on December 1, 2023 but I failed. Even as I write this, I'm already thinking that maybe I'll start tomorrow.

Here’s an embarrassing truth, I’ve actually had to take days off from work due to my inability to get dressed in the morning because my body image was giving me the blues.

According to James Clear, I'm supposed to start small if I want long lasting change. 

Ed Mylett says that in order to reach a goal you have to be obsessed with it.

Being obsessed with it means that you really want it. Does my lack of obsession mean that I don’t really want it? Why is having a healthy body the only thing I think about yet I keep doing the exact opposite of what I need to do to get there?

I’m negotiating with myself even as I write these words. “I’ll start tomorrow.”

“Stop letting your emotions override what your mind is telling you.”

-Marcus Aurelius

No more excuses. I have to take action. Today, I’m not going to smoke weed which will for sure lead to a binge, I’m going to do 10 minutes of exercise using weights and I’m going to focus on making sure I eat some fruit and veggies. More importantly than anything else, I’m going to be kind to myself.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡