Lack of Love

Why don’t I love myself? Why is it so hard for me to give myself a compliment? Why is it so hard for me to receive a compliment? Why don’t I remind myself how great I am on a consistent basis? Why haven’t I even asked myself that question? What makes me great?

My weight has gotten in the way of me being able to do this for as long as I remember. I think I may have realized I was fat for the first time in Grade Primary. I can still see myself with my mullet and my pink jogging suit eating my ham sandwich with mayo, butter and soggy lettuce. I can see and feel and smell the wooden desk with the little cubby on the bottom for my workbooks.

That may be the earliest memory I have of comparing myself to the other girls in the class. I recognized on that day how much bigger I was than everyone else. They seemed so tiny, small and petite. Well, they were… compared to me.

I think my parents may have shown their love for me using food. I literally got everything I ever wanted when it came to the newest sugary cereal or snack. I wasn’t a brat about it but I remember my father taking notice of anything I said regarding the newest commercial and he would go out and buy it for me. He took great pride coming home with whatever it was I was wanting like pop tarts, apple juice, fruit roll ups or lucky charms in the grocery order for me.

It was so nice really. I think that’s why all my friends wanted to hang out at my house. My parents were nice and fun and we always had good snacks. Chips and pop were always in abundance and we could eat as much as we liked without any rules attached to it. I loved my house and my family growing up and I always felt so lucky to have my parents because they made me feel so loved and taken care of. I still feel that way.

I think they may have grown up in poverty. I’m not sure why I’m saying “I think.” I don’t know why I don’t just ask them. Maybe I feel like that’s disrespectful. “Hey, Mom and Dad, were you guys poor growing up?” I tried asking Mom about her parents and how they treated her growing up but it seemed to make her sad. I might try again though.

I didn’t have any rules around food growing up. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and I ate all the time. I can remember watching Full House while eating ice cream and going to the freezer on commercials for more. No one said anything about it. Mom may have made some passive aggressive warnings the way Mom’s do but that would be it.

I’m glad my parents were’t strict around food. I’m glad they didn’t make me have an eating disorder.

Do I have an eating disorder?

My brother was the complete opposite of me. He didn’t think about food the way I did and if he did he burned it off much faster than me. He was always on the go building and creating with his friends.

I don’t know when I started hating myself. Hate’s a strong word but I guess that’s what I feel if it’s not love. I just never seem to feel good about myself unless I’m skinny. I want to love myself right now the way that I am. Is that possible?

I know it’s possible but can I do it?

I don’t know, who really wants to hear about the sad stories of a fat little girl?

Who wants to know about the time I was lying on my friends bed while we were tickling each others arms and I was scared my friend was going to feel my fat rolls. I remember sucking in for a long time because I was lying on my side and I finally had to release it for a minute because it was hurting my abs so much. I’ll never forget how embarrassed I was when my friend asked, “What was that?” as my fat roll pressed on her back for the first time. I wonder what would have happened if I just told the truth and laughed about my belly?

I wonder why we were all lying in bed together tickling each other’s arms? We were weird kids.

I used to have this friend in elementary. She was a wonderful person and she had a wonderful family. I used to hang out there after school sometimes. She used to help me with Math. She had this tickle trunk of costumes but none of them fit me. I remember trying to dress up by wearing one of her Dad’s shirts but even that was too small for me. I remember feeling so embarrassed because everyone else was.

I remember sitting in my room one night when I was in Grade 3. I was wearing a pair of shorts and my leg was pressed against the mattress in such a way that the fat was spread out much more than usual. I remember thinking, “I bet Jolene’s stomach is smaller than my leg.”

Jolene was one of the most popular girls I went to school with. I wanted to be her friend so badly and I could have. If only I loved myself more.

Somewhere along the way I decided that everyone judged me because I was fat. Jolene was so nice to me and tried to include me all the time. I remember the day she invited me to sit with her at the back of the bus. She had an extra juice bag and she gave it to me. We bit a hole in the corner and shoved it into the collar of our jacket so the bus driver wouldn’t see it. I felt so good that day.

She invited me to her sleepover once as well. That was amazing. I didn’t fit in with any of them though. I remember being excited to go home. I can’t quite understand or articulate why that was right now. I think I was too innocent and they were too “bad.” They were really into boys and all the things teenagers were supposed to be into but not me. I was so shy and awkward and insecure. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Jolene died when she was 15 or maybe even younger. She got in a car accident on a little side street. I still think about her sometimes. She was a really good person. It was certainly a tragedy when we lost her. She made quite an impact on a lot of people.

The first time I became popular was when I was in Grade 8. I developed a bit of an eating disorder when I was in Grade 6. I didn’t eat anything but oranges and water for a long time. I thought water was the key to losing weight so its all I drank. I drank about 6-8 litres on some days. I would put so much water in my belly that I wouldn’t be able to eat anything at all. I lost weight fast and the compliments were addictive.

Some people might say I was popular and maybe I was. I had a lot of boys wanting to date me but I was so confused and awkward about it. It was like I didn’t believe any of it was happening to me. I dated a few boys but it didn’t last long because I always dumped them soon enough.

I couldn’t take the awkwardness of dating. I was so nervous whenever I had to make out because I didn’t want anyone touching my body at all.

I was popular in Grade 8, 9 and 10 and then I started getting shy and insecure again because I was slowly gaining the weight back. I couldn’t live on water forever.

Did I have an eating disorder?

Do I have an eating disorder?

All I can do now is my best every day and it’s not going to be a lot. I’m going to start making small changes but today my small change is just accepting that I’m ready to change. That’s it, that’s all I’m doing.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡