5 steps forward 3 steps back
I did well all week and screwed it up this weekend, what else is new? I’m still weak and soft when I want to be strong and hard. If I want to be anyone in this world I need to step it up. I could be at my goal so much faster if I kept the promises I made to myself.
I’m feeling pissed because I didn’t have the strength to overcome my addictions yesterday. I came up with excuses to do the things that were making me regress and I got off track. Now what? Am I going to continue to move backward or am I going to move forward again? I thought I had something to prove to the world? I actually had the thought this morning that I was going to start in January. I don’t want to wait that long, I want to change now.
I exercised this morning but that doesn’t mean anything if I’m not getting my eating right and my eating wasn’t right yesterday because I smoked. I feel like smoking right now and I also feel like crushing up the new pack of joints I bought yesterday.
Who cares if I waste money if it stops me from smoking all week though right? I might drop the whole pack off to my friend because I don’t trust myself to have it. I don’t want to go backwards three days in a row. I know if I have it on me today then I’m going to smoke it all week and then I’m going to eat like shit all week. I want to be present and aware. Damn, why can’t I treat weed like alcohol? I would never consider drinking during the week or in the morning but I feel like that when I have weed. I used to be in a place where I had it on hand for a long time and I only smoked it when I was with friends but I guess I can’t do that anymore.
I just finished eating half a fruit cake and 4 Rice Krispie squares. I’m sitting here trying to decide what to do with the pack of joints sitting in the closet. Is it worth it to keep them in the house for now and donate them to a friend later today or will I come home and smoke and binge again. I know it’s the latter.
The worst part is, I put on a pair of jeans this morning expecting them to be hard to button up and I was preparing myself to get ready to suck up the discomfort for the day because I don’t have any other option but they buttoned up easier than I was expecting and I’m sitting on the couch with them right now typing on my computer and I don’t feel discomfort. Last week I was full of anger because I had to sit at the table in these jeans.
So I gained a win and then I smoked and screwed it all up. It’s hard to eat right with weed and I’m smoking it and ruining my progress. I’m about to cancel out the 5 days of steady progress I just accomplished.
The question remains, what am I going to do? If I keep it I’m going to smoke it so I have to destroy it. That’s it. I don’t care though because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I feel so ashamed of myself and I don’t have any self respect. Time for destruction.
“You can’t be the person you want to become without first letting go of who you already are.”
-Mark Manson
-Dawn Rochelle ♡
