Who Do You Feel Like?

Today my focus is going to be on creating that feeling inside of myself as the person I want to be not who I am right now because I’m not proud of the body I have right now. I’m going to accept and love the body I have today with a focus on the feeling I would have in the body I desire. If I continue to feel bad about who I am right now I’m not doing myself any favours.

It makes perfect sense but I have to commit to doing this all day, every day.

When I was working out this morning my gut was getting in the way again and I didn’t like it so I couldn’t stop focusing on it. I should have been focusing on how proud I was of myself for showing up and lifting heavier weights.

I have to be careful of the feelings I’m having toward my body. I want to find the perfect balance of being angry at myself for creating this body so I’m driven to change but also showing myself the love I need to keep progressing toward the ultimate version of myself even though I’m sot sure who she is yet.

I have to direct my thoughts in a very strategic way to make sure I’m not punishing myself with regression but equipping myself for success.

I’m in a place of acceptance and patience but I’m also eager for change. I don’t want my underwear to roll down anymore because of my gut and I don’t want to keep buying bigger sizes.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not going to change overnight. I’ve been working out for 5 days but I still expect to see significant change on the scale and with my clothes.

I can’t control how fast my body is going to change but I can control the way I feel about the time it takes. I can trust that I’m going to improve as long as I trust myself to continue to make the same choices each and every day that will get me one step closer to the body I deserve.

This is a day by day journey and I have to focus on being better today instead of focusing on how bad I was yesterday.

Cleaning out my closet is one of my focuses right now because I’m trying to move toward a minimalist lifestyle. I believe that a clean and clear home equals a clean and clear head which connects to this goal I have of feeling better and happier on the inside out.

While I was picking and choosing what to donate and keep, I was noticing the sizes of all my clothes. They range from medium to 2X and all the other sizes in between. It was a timeline of my weight gain over the years. It was pretty eye opening to see how many things didn’t fit me. It’s also crazy to realize how long I’ve been holding on to these clothes in the hopes of them fitting me someday.

Some of the items have been collecting dust for 13 years. I decided to get rid of them because I need to start fresh. I’m creating a new identity and those old clothes don’t really match the person I want to be. That person was a smaller size because of punishment and self hate. She was someone who only lost weight to catch a guy.

The new me is losing weight so I can feel happier without the support of outside influences. The new me wants to be better for myself so I can be better for others. I want to be a blessing to the world so I can teach the world.

I want a small wardrobe of clothes that are comfortable and practical. I want to look sheik and I want to wear quality clothes in neutral colours.

Stylish comfort with a minimalist vibe.

I’m going to keep working on that new style vision. I’ve been thinking about changing my look for a while and it excites me to be able to buy new clothes to match my new identity. I’m keeping the clothes that fit me right now because clothes that fit make me feel good and it’s all about finding ways to make me feel happy right now as my body keeps changing.

Some of my friends say they wear tight clothes because it motivates them to lose weight, for me, that just makes me feel uncomfortable which leads to crankiness which leads to eating crap which keeps me stuck in a fat body.

If I have to spend money on clothes that fit me now while I transition to the new me, I’m okay with that. Luckily, I have a job that allows me to spend the extra cash on clothes that I plan to donate later.

I used to focus on the money I was wasting by constantly buying new sizes but now I’m going to focus on the service and giving component of donation. If I can provide nice clothes to someone who needs them I’m helping the world and thats part of my mission.

Wearing clothes that fit me well now will help me accept and love my body because, despite it’s size, I am healthy and whole and I want to have gratitude for the fact that my body has taken care of me despite the abuse I’ve exposed it to with sugar, fat and unkind thoughts.

Today, I’m going to feel like the girl I want to be by remembering how good I felt when I could wear the clothes in my donation bag.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡