Back on the Saddle
I’m not feeling good in my own skin today and it’s my own fault. I don’t know why I keep allowing myself to feel this way. It’s within my own control to make good choices but I keep failing. I have to work at this mindset every second of the day to be honest. I’m actually so bloated and full of sugar and salt that my fingers feel like they’re going numb as I’m typing. I feel like a bag of crap and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
Last night I went to the LC after destroying the brand new pack of weed I bought. I started the day eating unnecessary sugar and fat and I decided to end my day in the same way. I couldn’t find any rationale to eat healthy in the evening because I ate like crap in the morning. I knew my logic didn’t make any sense but I listened to it anyway.
I wanted chips and chocolate more than I wanted to get a fresh start on attaining my dream body. I felt like there wasn’t any point ending my day like a winner if I started my day like a loser. Interesting, there really is something to be said for making healthy choices in the morning. If you start your day right you’ll be more motivated to end your day right and vice versa. No wonder I wanted to keep making bad decisions all day. There must be some science to that. Obviously there is since all the self development gurus are talking about the importance of positive morning routines.
Maybe I don’t want this badly enough? Why do I keep repeating the same cycle? Am I ready to actually commit to this? Do I want to feel happier and more successful in life? Of course I do. It’s addiction. I’m an addict and I have to get that right first which means hard lines. I just can’t do the things that are making me unhealthy. I have to do the mental work to ensure I’m saying “no” on a regular basis.
It’s what you don’t do that makes you successful. Maybe I just need to focus on what I’m not going to do instead of adding things into my routine that I have to do. My addictions are so strong that I feel like I have to conquer them for a minute before I start adding new things in. I’m going to keep exercising but today I needed to journal more than I needed to exercise. The only downside to not exercising in the morning is that I’ve been negotiating with myself about it all day. I’m definitely not going to do it when I get home if I haven’t already.
Diabetes runs in my family. I watched someone yesterday say that getting type 2 diabetes has the same effect on the body as having a heart attack.
I hate feeling the way I do so if I want to feel the opposite then I have to take consistent action and that means staying on track during the weekend and throughout the holiday. I can actually hear this little voice asking me to eat like crap today since there are only 2 days of work left before the break. “Be healthy when your break begins,” thats what I’m hearing. I’m not going to do that though because I don’t want to go visiting this year feeling like a fat ass who has to feel stress about sitting down.
Thats what I do as a fat person, I wonder if the seating arrangements are going to be comfortable enough so I can hide myself. I’m always hoping for an end seat on a couch so I can burrow into the arm with a throw pillow or I’m hoping for a free spot at a table so I can hide my body under it. I want to feel confident in the clothes I’m wearing when I’m sitting at people’s houses during the holidays. I don’t want to have to worry about seating arrangements, fit people never have to do that.
“High emotional intelligence is necessary for success.”
-Wes Watson
If I had high emotional intelligence then I wouldn’t have broken yesterday. Thats the issue with humans. We’re the only species who want more when we attain something. My more is always related to food. I feel like such a loser saying it and I feel like even more of a loser for not being able to control it.
I CAN control it though, thats the problem. I have to control it. I want to see what I can make my body look like because it hasn’t looked good in a long time. I want to feel proud of my body so I can show up for the world. If I’m not proud of my body then I don’t want to show up anywhere for anyone. In this body, I’m not even comfortable to show up for my closest friends because of the way I look. I’m going to change that today.
I feel very negative right now and I have to change it because it’s dangerous to stay in this mindset for too long. I feel ashamed of myself which is the lowest frequency on the feeling scale so I have to put in the work today to make it right. I’m going to focus on eating right and exercising but I also have to work on a positive mindset.
I can’t let the past 3 days of bad decisions hold me back mentally. I can’t give up because I feel like I’ve fallen back too far. I can’t let the old identity creep in because thats where I’m at right now. I’m identifying with the fat girl when I want to hold on to that glimmer of the fit girl identity I had when I was working out yesterday. I want to get to know that girl again. She appeared for a brief second and then I ate like garbage and she left. I want to get her back.
I know I sound crazy but I’m so fat right now that I can’t figure out who I am fit. I want to think myself fit by pretending I am already. I don’t want to condone my behavior for the last three days but I don’t want to live in that shame either. I want to accept that it happened and just move on knowing that it’s not going to happen again. I want to focus on the feeling of KNOWING that it’s not going to happen again.
I want to focus on doing everything right today knowing that I’m just going to take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. I’m not smoking today and I’m not eating like crap all day. My main focus today is getting my mind right, making sure I’m not living in a place of shame and guilt all day. I made the mistake and now I have to move on knowing that I’m going to be better today than I was yesterday.
I feel bad because I let myself down but I’m not going to live there. I want to be an inspiration to people and most importantly to myself. I want to believe in myself so I have to do the things that are going to build trust. I want to be able to trust myself and I want other people to be able to trust me.
“Build strength by accepting negative feelings but also controlling them. Use those feelings to push you into positive action.”
-Wes Watson
-Dawn Rochelle ♡
