Anger

I’m currently working on the Stoic principle of silence in response to anger. I found a quote from Marcus Aurelius when I was making my blog and it really got my attention.

“The best answer to anger is silence. Agreed. But nature set a limit on that - as it did on eating and drinking.”

-Marcus Aurelius

My partner lost his temper 3 times last night over small annoyances. Each time, I responded with silence. I just watched him. While I was watching him and purposely choosing to be silent I watched him witness himself. I watched him come to the realization on his own that he was being irrational. It was so interesting to watch him come down off of an anger tirade by himself.

It was also interesting how I observed myself. I didn’t get that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I’m around someone who gets angry. I can’t describe what that feeling is but I know I don’t like it. It’s almost like a scary feeling. It’s the feeling you get in your stomach when someone startles you. The only difference is, a startle happens quick and goes away with a laugh at the end. An anger scare sticks within you until the other person’s anger subsides and it usually ends with an angry silence between both parties.

That’s something my partner doesn’t understand. He can’t understand why his anger at small annoyances would make me scared. I don’t like using the word scared because it implies something a little more serious but the truth remains the same, anger is scary.

My partner allows small things to make him angry. Last night we were trying to make a ChefsPlate box and he got overwhelmed and frustrated with the instructions so he started getting mad because what he made wasn’t looking like the picture on the recipe card. He was cursing and using an angry tone to tell me what to do, what I should be doing how he’ll never listen to me again. Has anyone else ever had to listen to crap like that?

He burned the spice mix because he had the pan up too high which made the gravy mix clumpy and then he dumped in a whole package of sour cream instead of following the instructions to “slowly add in a small amount until the desired consistency is reached.”

As soon as he dumped the whole package of sour cream into the pan, I gasped. I could tell there was way too much sour cream for the amount of gravy in the pan. He doesn’t cook as much as I do so he’s not used to following his instincts with cooking and I think that lack of experience was making him feel inadequate which made him respond in anger. Does anger come from a deep rooted place of not feeling good enough? Possibly.

The moment I gasped was the moment he got mad. I think he knew he made a mistake and he wanted someone to blame because his ego was hurt. He launched into a tirade of blaming me for his mistake because I got mad at him for omitting the sour cream in the last recipe and he didn’t want me to “freak out again.”

The thing is; and my partner would tell you the same thing now that he’s calm, I didn’t freak out on him for omitting the sour cream in the last recipe. I was annoyed he didn’t follow the recipe but I definitely didn’t freak out about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve freaked out many times before, just not that particular time he’s referring to.

The disappointing part of all of this is that I really wanted to laugh about the chaos of everything that was happening but my partner wanted to be angry about it. At one point, I looked over at the “gravy” he was stirring and it was completely white! I couldn’t help but laugh. I really hope he can get to a place where he can laugh more as well.

The whole scenario was hilarious to watch really. I just stared at him as he went through the emotion and then I watched him realize he was acting like a nut. He held on to his anger about that for way too long but we had a good discussion about it afterward.

I think the important question should be, why is he freaking out about this so much? Is there an insecurity there about reading and following directions? Based on what he’s told me about his experiences in school, that might be the case.

“Learn to ask of all actions, “Why are they doing this?” Starting with your own.”

-Marcus Aurelius

Aaron isn’t the only one with anger issues. I’m realizing that I have some of my own. I’m not sure if I always was an angry person or if I learned it from my partner. No, I’m pretty sure I’ve always had a temper.

The earliest memory I have of getting really angry was when I was learning to play tarbish. I was mad I didn’t understand right away and I got very frustrated when I made mistakes. I would often argue that everyone was wrong and I was right only to find out in the end that I was wrong. One day I got so mad about a tarbish game that I took off in Mom’s little blue Corolla and I backed into a bunch of bushes in front of everyone. I looked like a fool and I knew it but I didn’t reflect on it. I pretended it didn’t happen. In this case, I was insecure because I wasn’t learning fast enough and I got angry. It was my parents teaching me so that could have been part of the problem because they like to laugh and make fun of people when they don’t understand without realizing how hurtful they can be. Maybe it was some of my childhood trauma coming up, I’m not sure. Maybe a therapist could help me work that out. I should definitely see a therapist. I believe in them but for some reason I’m not taking the step to find one. I’ll come back to that another time.

I used to get pretty mad when I would fight with my childhood friend as well. I can remember feeling so mad at her that I would visualize holding her by the feet and hitting her head off the house. I know that’s bad!! I know!! It was just a demented thing I thought of at the time but I remember it because it was so bad and I knew it was wrong. I’m ashamed to share that memory because she’s my closest friend and I love her so much and would never have that thought now but I’m happy that I was aware that my anger was out of line and it definitely didn’t suit the crime which probably had something to do with wanting Bryan Adams to be my boyfriend when we were playing house. My point is, I’ve been blaming my partner for having an anger problem without realizing I had one as well.

I think it was Deepak Chopra who said that when we look at our partners we should see ourselves because that’s who we end up with. We attract ourselves to ourself. Also, I recently listened to a podcast with Joe Dispenza and he said, “If you want to attract a certain partner with certain qualities then you have to become that person yourself.” Interesting. Why am I only discovering all of this at 40? Why am I only getting to know myself now? How can I teach people how to learn this earlier? How can I teach this to my students in an appropriate and effective way?

So, I have an anger problem. Doesn’t everyone? Some more than others I guess. I’ve done 2 really bad things in my relationship in the heat of anger. Both happened quite recently.

The first time, I was baking cookies and the last batch burned which set off the smoke detector. While I was trying to swat the smoke away, I tried to get my partner’s attention while he was in the bedroom with his headphones on. When I yelled loud enough, he came out very annoyed and started yelling at me because the smoke was everywhere. He scolded me like a child about the problem I created instead of helping me try to solve the problem and it set me off instantly.

My partner gets this angry crease between his eyebrows when he gets mad and it infuriates me because it scares me and it makes me mad that he can’t control his emotions. He tends to get irrationally angry over the smallest annoyances and it makes me lose respect for him.

Anyway, he got that angry crease between his eyes when he saw all the smoke and he yelled at me for not paying attention so I reacted in extreme rage.

In response to his overreaction, I squeezed his forehead and said, “Get rid of that scowl, you child!” As I tried to squish his eyebrows, my hand slipped and my nail caught him across the forehead. It drew blood instantly. It looked like a thorn caught him by surprise. It wasn’t good. I immediately felt like throwing up because I was so ashamed that I put my hands on him in that way. I’ve never been so humiliated and disappointed in myself.

The shame that erupted overwhelmed me. I felt like someone slashed a gash through my heart. I couldn’t believe what I’d done. I was mad that he overreacted to such a small event and then I did the exact same thing. I overacted to his anger. I stooped to his level. I engaged when I should have remained silent.

He didn’t tell anyone the truth about that scratch, even though everyone commented on it and asked what happened when they saw it. Initially, I thought he wasn’t telling because it deflected his own anger issues and I thought he liked the idea that he had something on me for the next time I complained about his anger. I know now, that he didn’t tell because he knew it would made me look and feel bad and he also knew that he’s done some pretty stupid shit in the heat of anger that he’s also ashamed of as well. He didn’t tell because he knew the shame that accompanies unwarranted anger and he didn’t want that feeling to stay with me for longer than necessary. I love him so much for that. It humbled me to see him show that much respect and care for me and it made our relationship stronger because this was a turning point in our journey to heal our anger issues.

Even though we recognized that the anger we both held inside was a concern we needed to address; I lost it again a few days later. I’m deciding to view that situation as an “unhealthy release” of emotions to which I commit to improving. On this particular day, we were fighting about money. I paid and extra $300 on groceries that month and I wanted to be reimbursed. He said he would buy the next few rounds of groceries instead. This set me off. His suggestion was a completely reasonable compromise but I wanted my way. I wanted cash. I was aware enough at the time to understand how unreasonable I was being so I decided to remove myself from the situation to cool off. I need space when I’m angry. I need to go to a quiet room and just “be” or write until I feel better. My partner, however, likes to talk it out until we’re done. We’re still working on this and he’s starting to understand my needs a little more. Better late than never right?

He didn’t give me my space on this day though. He followed me into my writing room and continued to argue his point. I felt my blood boiling so hot I thought I was going to pop with the pressure. I tried so hard to control my rage but I couldn’t. After asking him 5 times to politely give me some space for a bit, I snapped. He was sitting on my pink wingback chair and I was sitting in my rolling desk chair. I shot up so fast my chair went sailing behind me while my partner gasped in surprise. I grabbed him by the shirt collar and lifted him up as I screamed, “Get out of my face!”

I know. It’s bad, it’s really bad. Well, for me, that’s pretty aggressive. I know it could be worse but I need to acknowledge that what I did was not okay.

We talked that one through for a long time after my initial apology. He also apologized for not allowing me some space when I needed it. I think disagreements with our partners are like a boxing match. You need a little break between rounds. Someone has to be aware enough to stop the discussion before it gets too heated. You need to go to separate rooms and reflect logically on the conversation and meet again in the middle when you’re both ready.

I don’t know how to end this piece so I’ll end with a quote from my favorite stoic:

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”

-Marcus Aurelius

I’ve put my hands on my partner twice in the heat of anger. The cause for both was definitely not as bad as the shame and disappointment I felt afterward. I don’t want that to happen ever again. Speaking this truth out loud makes me want to work harder to be better for myself and for my partner.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡