Emotional Control

I’m working so hard on my mindset but I still have so much work to do. I’m angry every day and I keep snapping at the people I love the most. I have friends and family who want to spend time with me but all I want to do is be alone.

If I don’t sort this out I’m going to lose the people I love and I’m going to regret treating them the way I do. I can’t seem to get through the day without letting the people I care about make me angry. I have 2 people who make me the angriest; my partner and my Mom.

I used to deal with my irritation toward them through smoking or food but now that I’m choosing not to do that, my anger seems to be present all the time. I find this concerning and disappointing given the amount of work I’m putting in to become a better version of myself. This anger thing doesn’t belong in my ideal image.

I made a pan of lemon squares for my Mom this Christmas and I got her a new scarf; a red one with a pattern which is exactly what she asked for. When I asked her if she liked it, she said the scarf was too long and the squares weren’t as fluffy as I usually make them. Just writing it down makes me mad again. Who says that in response to a gift?

I convinced myself that my anger was an overreaction and I didn’t have to feel so upset about her comment but it was a shitty thing to say and I have every right to be upset about it. I hung on to that feeling for the whole day and I had a hard time shaking it off. I feel like I should have been able to control my emotions in that moment but I couldn’t and it makes me feel ashamed.

How can I control the anger issue I have toward the people I love? How is it that you can love someone so much but they can also be the ones who make you the angriest? How do you deal with this? Yeah I know, just keeping loving yourself and loving them.

I want to be more patient with my Mom and I think the universe keeps putting me in situations to really test me on this. Maybe I should consciously try to view these situations as a test so I can perform better. My relationship with my Mom is something I know I suck at because I allow her to irritate me all the time yet I love her so much and constantly fear the day I have to lose her.

When she made those comments, I could have explained to her in that moment that she was hurting my feelings in an adult kind of way, but instead, I buried it down and tried not to let it bother me. Because I buried my emotions, I found myself driving to her house in a rage, like a little shithead to “to get my pan.”

When I got there, I asked my Dad if my squares were good and of course he replied, “They’re delicious.” I thanked him and Mom yelled from her bedroom that they were good and I yelled back, “Well why did you tell me they’re weren’t that fluffy?” Omg…this is so ridiculous but it really happened. To make it worse, I got choked up when I yelled that back and I almost started to cry. Then I took my pan, put my shoes on and stormed out.

When I got to the car I backed up crooked and had to readjust multiple times and then I got stuck in the snow. I knew my parents were watching me from the window and that was making me even angrier. I finally hit the road and I stewed on my anger for the majority of the day.

Mom called me around 3:30 that day and I didn’t pick up because I wanted to make sure she knew how angry I was but I’m still not sure if she did. However, because I didn’t pick up, I felt tremendous guilt and fear that something might be wrong and I waited to see if she would call back. When she didn’t, I felt confident that everything was okay but I still felt that emotional tornado within. The guilt of making her feel bad for making me feel bad and the fear that something terrible did happen terrorized me for the rest of the day and it didn’t feel good.

My parents are the only ones I pick the phone up for all the time so this missed call really ate at me but I was too stubborn to give in. I let this feeling sit with me until I came home from a party and called her back. I wanted to talk to her about how she made me feel but I decided, like a coward, to let it go and just talk about surface level things. I felt better for talking with her but it didn’t solve the underlying issue of believing that my Mom doesn’t think I’m good enough.

Is that true or do I only pay attention to the critical comments? Was her comment about my squares critical or was she trying to give me an honest answer to a question? Would I have taken that comment as personally if I felt more confidence in myself?

Is my Mom to blame for my lack of confidence? Isn’t every Mom to blame? Is this something I should accept or is it something I should confront? Should I be tolerant with others and strict with myself like Marcus Aurelius says or does it depend on the situation? Don’t forget, he also says, “The best answer to anger is silence. Agreed. But nature set a limit on that - as it did on eating and drinking.”

I think it’s all about the approach and my approach with my Mom is definitely off. I think we should tell people when they say or do something offensive instead of letting it bother us for days, months or years. I want to practice controlling my anger when people set me off but I also want to let them know that they’ve upset me in a rational and respectful way that doesn’t cause a fight that lasts forever.

That’s my goal, confront with love to create an open dialogue so the people who hurt me have the opportunity to explain themselves so I’m not telling myself a story that isn’t true.

I wonder what would have happened if I said, “Hey Mom, that comment hurts my feelings. I worked hard on those squares and it makes me feel bad that you didn’t like the gift I gave you.” I’m pretty sure she would have explained herself in a way that made me feel better and I wouldn’t have wasted a day stewing in anger about the story I was making up in my head; which is the same story I think we all tell ourselves…."I’m not good enough.”

In case you forgot…you are good enough.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡