Female Cycle

I need to learn more about the female cycle because I just spent the last two days acting like a nut and it left me feeling really disappointed.

I was feeling so motivated and inspired just a few days before and then a little stress changed everything.

I was disappointed because I’ve been doing all this work trying to “get myself right” so I have something to offer the world and then I blew it in 2 days because I couldn’t regulate my emotions.

It’s funny because this morning; when I was putting away my laundry, I was supper pissed off at Wes Watson because he has no idea about the female cycle and his strict no nonsense attitude doesn’t work for women every day of the month.

I need to find the perfect mix of Wes Watson and Marie Forleo. Thats the woman I want to listen to.

I don’t want to use my hormones as an excuse for poor decisions but at least I have a little bit more of an explanation about why I act the way I do once a month.

I’ve been tracking it, I usually lose my cool at least once a month and then everything seems to fall apart with my healthy lifestyle.

What I need to do is accept my mood change but still make better choices for myself. I think I’m going to have to get “Fast Like A Girl.”

I recently watched “Diary of a CEO” and Mindy Pelz was on it describing fasting for women. I learned a lot about my hormones during this podcast and I was grateful for it this morning because it gave me a little more explanation as to why I couldn’t get my emotions in check yesterday. I feel a little better about myself because my hormone change made it easier for me to make bad decisions not my lack of discipline or self control.

It started Saturday when I found out my brother was coming home for Christmas. I should have been happy about that but I wasn’t because my brother and I don’t currently have a great relationship. I was in my head about this for the entire day and I acted like a little shit about it in front of my parents. I tried to change my thoughts around it for my Mom because she doesn’t like conflict but I just couldn’t. I sat in anger for the majority of the day and I used it as an excuse to buy a joint. It kind of helped but I did eat more than I should have on Saturday night. Good thing we didn’t have a lot of bad things in the house to eat because I would have eaten everything.

Yesterday wasn’t great either. I spent most of the morning writing my brother a pretend letter while crying and dreading going to visit old neighbours of mine who now live in a senior care facility. I was a wreck yesterday and there is no other way to say it.

To support my emotions, I went downstairs and did some tapping with Brad Yates around anger and it helped a little so I decided to go upstairs to make myself a healthy veggie omelette for lunch.

I prepped all the veggies, got everything organized and then I opened to fridge to get the eggs and we had none.

Well, I lost it.

I blamed my partner for eating them and then I got mad at him for never making me brunch (I make it for him all the time).

I used my anger about the eggs to point fingers and freak about about anything and everything.

Literally, everything was irritating me and I thought I was going to break something, thats how intense my feelings were.

I freaked about the eggs because if I wanted the omelette that meant I had to go to the grocery store but I wanted my partner to offer to go for me but he didn’t.

I left the house with the intention of going for a drive to cool down because I was aware enough to know that I was going to continue lashing out and that something “wasn’t right” inside of me.

The whole experience was upsetting and disappointing because I’ve been doing the mental work to feel better in my own skin and then everything fell apart and I felt like it was all a huge waste of time.

Why bother reading and writing in the morning? Why bother exercising? Why bother trying to eat healthy? Why bother meditating and praying?

I wasn’t having any of it and I felt like throwing all my books out the window. I still feel like that this morning but I’m doing the work anyway. Actually, I did a 10 minute dance workout in the basement, I took a shower and I put my laundry away. I still felt angry and irritated doing all of those things but I did it anyway. I still feel angry and annoyed but I’m here doing it anyway. I also threw out the rest of the timbits I bought last night along with the rest of the chocolate bar I bought. I’m not saying this for credit, I’m saying this to be real. I hate having to do all this shit right now because I don’t know if its worth it or not.

I’m not proud of my behavior but this is an example of real life ups and downs. We all have them and we all have to feel them. Just because you have a bad day or a bad few days doesn’t mean it’s not working.

Imagine how it would have gone if I wasn’t doing the work every day. I think my irritability would have been much worse and I wouldn’t have been able to control it to the level I did yesterday, even though I know I can do better.

My point in sharing all this is that I found some relief this morning. I feel this way because its a week before my period and thats the worst week of the month for all women. At least thats what the science says anyway. I need to learn more about it by buying the book I mentioned above.

I need to remind myself that I can’t put any extra stress on myself this week. I feel so much better knowing that I’m not some type of crazy animal that doesn’t have control of her emotions. I can’t control my emotions because of the intense hormones running through my body making me nuts. It’s not my fault but with this understanding I can be more gentle with myself and I can take some steps to feel better. The first step is understanding and not blaming myself for the bad food choices I made yesterday and the day before. My body was not in a place to begin a strict routine.

The best test of character is how you behave in the hard times. I’m not proud of how I behaved for the last 2 days and I’m not proud that I caved and bought sugar and weed but I made some good decisions in there by throwing it away to ensure I wouldn’t continue for another day.

It’s a new day and I’m going to put in the work to be a better person. It’s okay to fail and feel bad, irritable and cranky but it’s not okay to live in that place on purpose. Be aware and do the work. For me, that meant going for a drive, watching videos around anger to support me and acting like I was okay around the people I love to ensure I wasn’t making anyone else’s life miserable. I think I’m going to exercise more to help me when I’m feeling like that. I hate exercise but everyone says it works. I’m going to exercise every time I feel irritable or every time I feel my ego trying to convince me to make bad choices when my mind is weak. I had a weak mindset for the last 2 days but its okay. I’m going to keep working on it.

Remember, it’s almost impossible to be perfect every day. As long as you’re aware and you actively try to change it, you’re moving in the right direction.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡