Patience
I woke up this morning wondering why I felt so angry. I thought it was because my partner did something to annoy me when he came to bed but I realized it was something else and journalling helped me realize it.
It’s because I still have gunt and that means I can’t eat sugar and chips. I’m so mad at myself for abusing my body and I’m mad because I know the change I want to see isn’t going to happen overnight.
Patience is a piss off but it’s the only thing that’s going to help me on this journey. I have to be patient with the results I want to see and focus on the prize instead of focusing on my reality.
I’m angry because I still feel bad about myself and I’m angry because I have to restrict myself. It’s Saturday Decemeber 16, 2023 and I weighed exactly 205 pounds this morning. It’s better than 208 but I’m still so angry about it and I’m teetering on the edge with regard to how I’m going to direct that anger.
Am I going to get so angry that I’m going to give up because, “whats the point?” or am I going to get so angry at myself for being weak that I’m going to push myself until I see the results I want to see and then push myself even farther?
Who do I want to be? That’s the question. I’m trying to change my identity to become a fit bad ass woman who can help others become their best selves but I’m struggling. I’m at a cross roads this morning thinking about all the addictions I want to partake in so I can just forget about this struggle but I also want to see if I can actually becomes the best version of myself if I stick with this and lose the weight.
At moments like this I think I need to remind myself of my “why.” It sounds so cliche and I feel embarrassed saying it, partly because I think it’s dumb and partly because I’m not sure if I’m clear on my why. I’m going to try to articulate it more today.
Something thats holding me back is other people. It’s so hard to protect myself from the people I love who just don’t get it or who aren’t doing what I’m trying to do. I almost feel like I have to shut myself off from the world until I get this done.
I would love to go to a fat camp for 2 months so I can get myself right because doing it on your own sucks and its hard. Even if I went away I would come back to the same struggles and I think I would respect myself more if I could do in on my own with all the struggles around me.
I’m angry that my partner is still sleeping and I was up doing at Hiit workout at 5AM. I’m angry that he ate gummies and then had a bunch of snacks last night, crashed on the couch and ate the rest of my “healthy chips.” I’m angry that he’s not showing the discipline I want him to show when it comes to cleaning the house.
When I was in the shower this morning after my workout I noticed thoughts about other people’s doubts for me. I wondered if I should bother to eat clean and work out when my pattern is losing weight and then gaining it back. Everyone knows I do that and I know they expect me to gain it back when I lose it. My friends actually make fun of me for it a little bit.
I think it might have something to do with my addictive personality. I focus hard on a thing that I want to acheive but it’s always short lived.
While I was working out this morning I was angry because I hate working out. I was pissed during every move. I almost gave up a million times. I noticed this thought creep in, “You’re going to have to do this forever” and it made me so depressed.
This isn’t something I’m doing for 21 days and then stopping. This has to be a life change for me. I have to do this shit every day and it sucks. I’m sticking with this to see what happens to me mentally. Will I be happier when I get the body I’ve always dreamed of?
Have I even dreamed about the ideal body? OMG, I don’t think I’ve even visualized the body I’m looking for. I’m kind of scared to be honest. I’m scared of excess skin. I don’t know how far I can go before that starts to show. I don’t want that. Is my ideal image ripped or is it just comfortable? Right now my ideal image is the opposite of feeling like a stuffed sausage in all of my clothes.
I want to remember that I don’t want to take this journey too politely. I want to be hard on myself and I think that’s self love, making yourself do hard things. This might be why I responded so well to Cole Robinson and Wes Watson. They’re assholes in their coaching styles but I respond so well to it.
I don’t want to be nice and encouraging but I have to be realistic. I’m pissed off today because I have to wait for compound interest. I have to do the small things daily and consistently until I see results and I won’t see it for six months.
Loving myself today means that I’m not going to put unrealistic expectations on myself to ensure I don’t give up because I really felt like giving up this morning. I wanted to buy a joint, dill pickle chips and a Toblerone bar and just say “Fuck it.”
The question I was asking myself was, “Is it better to enjoy life or suffer?” Obviously it’s better to enjoy life but does enjoyment come from chips and chocolate or does it come from broccoli and chicken? Is it better to feel and look good about myself or is it better to eat the chips and chocolate for momentary pleasure?
It’s the former, I know! It sucks when you don’t feel good yet though. I don’t see results yet and it makes it so much harder to make the right choices for long term pleasure.
What I just asked myself is “Who do I want to be today?” Who do I want to be as a partner, as a daughter, as a sister, as an aunt and as a friend.
As a partner: I want to be loving and kind. I want to laugh and I want to remember how precious our time is together. I want to be patient and I want to make sure I’m not trying to change him.
As a daughter: I was to be loving and kind. I want to be patient and understanding. I want to build my parents up and I want them to know how much I love them by my actions and my words.
As a friend: I want to show up for them. I want to make time for them. I want to be grateful that I have them.
As an Aunt: I want to show up for them. I want them to know I care about them and I’m thinking about them and that I’ll be here for them no matter what.
As a sister: I want to forgive. I want to let go. I want to accept. I want to support.
Wow, that was a very interesting activity and I think this might be another strategy I can practice to ensure I’m being my best for myself so I can be the best for the people I love.
-Dawn Rochelle ♡
