Who Are You?

One of my goals today is to remind myself of who I am. I notice that I keep connecting with the fat girl when I really want to connect with the fit girl. I want to get to know the fit girl better because I don’t know her at all. I have a few fleeting memories of how it felt to be fit, by my standards, but I struggle to tap into those feelings.

I remember feeling so confident and comfortable in my own skin and I was more social because I wanted to be seen.

I notice that I’m still isolating myself from my friends because I’m embarrassed by how I look.

Those are the thoughts I want to accept and release today. I was going to say “battle” instead of “accept” but then I remembered what my favorite gurus would say about that. I have to keep seeing that girl with those negative self defeating thoughts and I need to love her while also saying goodbye to her.

I’m struggling with the idea of loving her and I’m wondering if I should be hating her instead in order to get the best results. For some reason I’m more pulled toward loving her because it’s not her fault. She was raised to use food as a replacement for love and then she was shamed for it. She didn’t get the attention or the encouragement she craved so she used food because it never let her down or disappointed her.

Don’t get it twisted, I love my parents and they gave me a great life but, like most parents, they didn’t get everything right. They did the best they could with what they knew at the time and they used food for the same reasons I did. I modelled their behavior and now its up to me to change that.

When I use the word “hate” with regard to myself it could bring me down and keep me depressed. I don’t want to hate myself but I do want to hate what I’ve done to myself. I want to hate the inaccurate thoughts I have about myself because they’re false. I’m not fat and worthless.

Eating well and exercising isn’t a waste of time. I will succeed and I will maintain my success. I think I’ve been having a lot of terrible thoughts about myself without even realizing it. I know I have negative thoughts because I’ve trained myself to know that when my body feels bad its my thoughts but I think there’s a deep rooted identity stuck in there that I have to kick out. I’ve been a victim of my own thoughts for too long and I’m going to hate those thoughts instead of hating myself. When I notice them I’m going to remove them. Self awareness is key to loving yourself fit.

If I was going to describe how I would feel in my new identity it would look something like this:

I can sit down in front of others without feeling uncomfortable. I feel excited about getting dressed in the morning. I can look at myself in the mirror with love and appreciation for the way I look. I look forward to going out and spending time with my friends. I work out every day because I know it’s going to help me feel good about myself and thats the goal. Its not about looking good its about feeling good, they both go hand in hand. I’m confident when speaking to other people. I look forward to catching glimpses of myself in reflective surfaces because I’m proud of my the body I’ve created. When I get on the scale I’m amazed with my progress and I use the number to help me remain consistent; I don’t use it as a punishment or as a tool to reinforce self defeat.

I’m ready to make this a consistent life change for the benefit of myself so I can benefit others

My ideal image isn’t created completed yet but I think I’m getting close. I really want to self reflect on what would be different if I didn’t have to lug this fat body suit around all the time. I want to see who’s in there. What does she look like and how does she feel? How will she use her positive feelings to help others? I know these words are similar to things I’ve written before but thats the key. The minute I stop reminding myself of who I really want to be is the moment I’m back identifying with the version of myself I don’t want to be.

Your thoughts are conducive to your identity.

I think I’m a little more clear on my journey and I have to remind myself about this every day. I’m not here to exercise and eat restrictively for 30 days.

I’m working on becoming the person who consistently does the things she doesn’t want to do because she knows it’s going to pay off in the long run.

I’m going to accept that the workout and the fast I do today won’t show up on the scale tomorrow but it will show up in my mind. The more I do the things my ideal self would do the faster I’m going to identify with that person.

I have to focus on consistency not results.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡