Resentment

I had such a great morning yesterday. I felt happy and peaceful inside of myself for the first time in a long time and I felt so positive about my self love journey. However, everything turned to shit and it was my fault.

I notice that my anger comes from unmet expectations. Does that mean I’m a narcissist?

Yesterday, I went to visit a friend, expecting that it was just going to be us there but when I showed up she had a ton of visitors. I almost backed out of her driveway and left because I didn’t feel like participating in fake conversation with people I don’t really want to talk to but I was scared they might be watching me through the window and I didn’t want to be rude.

I probably should have left because I was rude with my energy. I’m pretty sure everyone knew I didn’t want to be there because I was reserved and I was forcing smiles all over the place wondering if any of them were going to leave. I almost found a way to leave when someone asked me to move my car for them but they ended up getting around me on their own. I was fully aware of how I was feeling but I couldn’t seem to shake it and it was super disappointing because before I got there, I felt like I was on top of the world.

I got back to myself a little bit when everyone left but then my Mom showed up and complained that I didn’t go to her house to make breakfast. I didn’t promise to make breakfast so that irritated me right away because I told myself she was trying to make me look bad in front of other people...again. Then she tried the pea soup they had just finished cooking and she said it was delicious but they should add potatoes next time. Well, I thought I was going to shoot through the roof. Why does she have to add a critical component to every compliment? I clearly have deep rooted Mommy issues even though I love her so much.

I spent the rest of my day feeling irritated and anxious and I tried to get over it by spending some time at my parents but it felt like everything they did or said set me off so I had to leave.

The truth is, I blame my parents for my lack of self confidence because of their constant critical and passive aggressive comments throughout my life. I’m holding a lot of resentment toward them and I need help figuring out how to fix that.

I realized last night that I could ask YouTube and I was surprised to find a lot of videos about resentment toward parents. It felt good knowing I wasn’t alone and I’m so grateful to YouTube creators for this reason. I’ve felt guilty for a long time and didn’t want to admit how resentful I felt toward them when I should be grateful that I still have them in my life. I want to be grateful for them not resentful but I can’t seem to shake how I feel when they trigger me with hurtful comments even though I know they aren’t intentionally trying to hurt me.

“Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.”

-Shawn Stevenson

I watched multiple videos on how to deal with critical parents but I settled on one from Russell Brand that I felt was the most true for me:

“When you have resentment toward your parents you’re saying, I’m not happy with the person I am and I need to allocate blame. It’s sad if you don’t love the person you are. Resenting your parents and family is just another way of not accepting and loving yourself. Until we accept responsibility for who we are we have no power to change ourselves.”

I love this quote because I know it has truth but I hate it because I’m scared I won’t be able to fix it. How do I let go of the things my parents did to squash my self esteem so I can truly love myself and love them with my whole heart?

I don’t know, I really don’t. I guess I just have to keep putting in the work. I blame them but they’re just a product of the way they were raised and I have to take responsibility for my own actions instead of pointing fingers.

It was my choice to act like a cranky ass yesterday but instead of taking responsibility for not being able to control my thoughts, I left and went to the liquor store. The whole time I was driving there I was bargaining and reasoning with myself as to why it was the right decision. I convinced myself that in order for me to be a decent human being throughtout the rest of the holidays I had to be under the influence. I know that I should be influencing my behavior by intentionally thinking thoughts that would improve my behavior but I’m still resorting to suffering in comfort.

I definitely messed up yesterday and I realize that I have to be more gentler with my parents and myself while doing the work every day to get my head right. I spent too much of my day in resentment, guilt and shame. I should have went back to spend time with my family and because I didn’t I felt guilty about it all night. I kept going back and forth between resentment, anger, guilt and shame and it was on repeat. It was exhausting and I couldn’t enjoy the present moment with my partner. I wanted to be the person who could make a decision without worrying about how it affected others but all I did was wonder if I was making my family feel bad for not spending time with them.

I did the work this morning even though I didn’t want to. I shut out negative self talk and I meditated for 15 minutes, even though I did a terrible job with it. My plan for the rest of the day is to seek out others to help me let go of the resentful feelings I’m having that are holding me back from loving myself.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡