Saying No

I realized this morning that I need to be okay with saying no. I’ve heard this before but I thought it only applied to famous people. I thought, “What do I have to say no to?” But I have a lot I should be saying no even though I’m just a “Regular Joe.”

I’m definitely a “yes” person and if I’m being honest with myself I’m a “yes” person because of my need for other people’s acceptance. I’m a “yes” person because I don’t love myself enough and I don’t know my worth. If I truly loved and accepted myself I would put myself first when it comes to other people’s obligations and expectations. I really need to prioritize my own and within that I have to get clear on what they are in all facets of my private and professional life. If I don’t know what the hard lines are for myself then I’m going to keep giving to others at the detriment to myself.

At work, I go out of my way to prove to others that I’m doing a good job by not taking any breaks and doing not only everything I’m asked but everything I think other people would appreciate. I can’t keep going at this pace because it’s making me resentful toward my colleagues and it might also be breeding arrogance. I notice myself wondering, “If I can do all this and then some, why can’t you?”

I think there’s something to be said for working hard in your job but it has to be for the right reasons. Right now, my reasons are to please others when they should be more focused on how I can run a better program for the students I teach not how I can support other teachers and give them more breaks. How can I adopt a “less is more” attitude in my job? What would that look like? What is my purpose or end goal?

In my personal life this Christmas, I noticed that my inability to say “no” caused me a lot of guilt and anxiety and they’re the lowest frequencies one can have. I’ve spent entire days during my vacation feeling the need to make other people happy by meeting their expectations of me. I did it with friends who came home from away and I did it with family.

I felt this need to spend as much time with them as possible so they didn’t feel bored or unloved. I don’t want them to feel like people don’t want to spend time with them or that no one cares that they’re here. The downfall to that is that I end up getting burned out and resentful toward everyone. Instead of enjoying the time I’m spending with people I’m complaining that I have to do it. How can I switch that? How can I make sure everyone is having fun while doing less? What would it take for me to enjoy my time with others without feeling like I’m giving something up? I think this is an introvert problem.

Because I don’t have kids I notice that people have more expectations for me to show up. That could be a story I’m telling myself. I’m not sure if it’s true but I know I’m asked to give my time more than other friends with kids. Because of this fact, I feel like I never have an “excuse” to say no.

I wish I would have realized this before the Christmas season began. I have a friend who wants to hang out and drink every night while she’s home but I don’t have that same desire.

What I want to do more than anything during every vacation is relax at home watching movies and eating snacks with my partner. I haven’t really been able to do that in peace for 10 days, until last night. It was the first time that it clicked in my head that I don’t have to do everything everyone else wants or expects me to do and I don’t have to feel bad about it.

My inability to say no makes me lie to people to spare their feelings. Is that a good option? I don’t feel good about lying, that’s for sure.

I lie because I feel like I always have to give a reason for declining an opportunity to spend time with others and that’s not cool either. Why is it a problem for others when you say no without a good reason? Isn’t it okay to say “no thanks, I’m not feeling it tonight.” I think this is harder to do when people only visit once or twice a year, there seems to be more of an obligation.

The question remains, what would it take to do less but still make people feel valued and seen?

It’s the feeling of guilt I attach to saying no that has really affected my mental health this holiday season. My nephews are home from away and since they’ve been kids I feel this obligation to make sure they enjoy their holiday at the expense of my own.

Cooking and cleaning and taking them all over the place when the only thing I want to do is relax by myself. I chose not to have kids so I enjoy my free time but I’ve given up my own needs every summer for the past 17 years.

I don’t know how parents do it, I really don’t. This Christmas is different because it’s the first time in a long time my nephews have come home for it. The other issue is that they’re teenagers so it seems harder to keep them entertained. Their hormones make them cranky and lazy and all they seem to want to do it play on social media. They’re staying with my Mom so I feel the need to be out there all the time entertaining them but when I go out they’re just sitting on their phones. It’s hard as well because there isn’t as much to do around here in the winter compared to the summer.

I’m not saying that I don’t want to spend any time with my nephews but I am saying that I don’t want to give them all of my time.

I actually notice that I start to feel resentful toward them because I go out of my way to plan and prepare fun things for them but they still want more and they don’t seem to appreciate the things I’m giving them.

I gave them money this Christmas so they could buy whatever they wanted but they still expect me to buy the things they want. I know I was the same and every kid is the same which is why I didn’t choose to have kids because it’s a very thankless job.

Kids are so selfish, they want everything from you but they don’t even say thank you. I know it’s not their fault but I’m just saying that I don’t want to give everything of myself when it’s not really that appreciated anyway.

Buying groceries is expensive and they don’t care. They won’t until it’s their turn. I

think what I’m realizing is that I have to scale back a little bit. I don’t need to constantly buy them treats and prepare food because they’re big enough to do it themselves. They’re also big enough to do the dishes but they complain about that as well. Wow, teenagers are very irritating and difficult to be around! I think I’m in a good head space to have fun with them tonight though. I think we’ll play cards and have snacks and nothing could be better than that.

It’s crazy how much I seem to want validation from everyone, even kids. It’s insane and I see the problem in this. I’m mad at my niece’s and nephews because they don’t make me feel like they appreciate the things I do for them.

I can’t believe I’m trying to get validation from kids and teenagers, who do I think I am?

I know kids are taught to say please and thank you but I don’t think they’re taught gratitude like they should be. Maybe they’re given too much. I notice that my neice’s, who don’t have a lot, are also selfish. Are kids just born this way? Are they naturally selfish or are they taught this? I guess my job as a writer is to do the research on this.

Apparently kids aren’t born selfish, they’re born with empathy but it’s up to parents to continue to model and teach it. That came from a brief glance at a Huff Post article when I typed the question into a google search.

Patience with kids is very challenging but it’s up to the adults to model the behavior we’re looking for and I have to remember that. Instead of getting frustrated with them for being “selfish” I need to show them how to be grateful without the passive aggressive comments. Sometimes adults forget that they’re adults in more ways than one.

My brother bought me a Christmas present this year and I wasn’t expecting it because we never buy each other gifts and I was extremely touched and I think he could feel my sincere gratitude by the way I expressed myself. It was a pair of slippers and gourmet maple syrup. Not a big deal when I write it down but it was the thought that made me feel so grateful about receiving it.

I felt like an idiot because I didn’t have anything for him and after I finished my thank you’s I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I hung on to that feeling for the rest of the night and I tried to figure out a way to fix it. I decided that I was going to go to the mall the next day and buy him a sweater but I ended up giving up on that because I didn’t want it to seem fake.

In the end, I decided that I was going to accept the gift without feeling the need to repay him and I think it may have been the best decision. I think it may have been more beneficial to make him feel good for being so thoughtful. Sometimes making people feel good about giving is a gift in and of itself. I don’t say that to be cheap, I do plan on repaying him with an act of kindness but for me, it has to be authentic giving.

The big question is, “why do I always feel the need to repay something I’ve received?” It’s something I’m working on and I’m happy that I was able to settle into my feelings of gratitude instead of guilt. Receive graciously and everyone’s happy.

My point with this is, when someone gives you something whether it’s time or a gift, it’s important to be grateful and nothing else. It’s not beneficial to give with the expectation of getting something in return which is what I’ve been doing without realizing it.

I’ve been giving my time and money to the people I love without feeling happiness because I’m expecting something in return, their gratitude….interesting. This whole time I’ve felt angry because my nephews, in my opinion, aren’t as grateful as I want them to be. The reason I’ve been feeling all this anger and negativity toward spending time with them is because they don’t seem to appreciate my presence or my gifts….I’m making it all about me.

They say we should give freely without the expectation of anything in return. I’ve been thinking all wrong. I’ve been annoyed with my teenage nephews because I want them to be a different way instead of accepting them for who they are and where they are in their life. It’s my job to maintain a quality character so I can teach them by leading through example.

What I’ve learned today is that it’s okay to say no, especially when it comes to your time but it’s also important to find a way to organize your time to ensure room for the important people in your life. Today, that means, I’m not going to rush in order to give my time away because it won’t be quality. I’m going to complete the tasks I want to do and then I’ll visit when I’m ready. I have all kinds of time to relax and cook and bake without rushing. I just have to manage myself right. Then, when I’m ready, I’ll give my time to other people.

“Be strict with yourself and tolerant with others.” (Marcus Aurelius)

All I can do is give my good character freely so others can see the best way to be. Then, it’s up to them to be better. I don’t need to have an opinion on whether they do it or not. Having a good character is all you need.

-Dawn Rochelle ♡